What's My Scene?

[SOFT "NEWS" ITEM WRITTEN FOR TAFE CLASS]

It used to be so easy – you just wore the same clothes as the people you hung around with.

Back when I was a teenager (which isn’t that long ago) it was jeans and t-shirts. No studs, no tatts, no leather jeans, no fluoro-orange hair in a Mohawk style. The most radical thing about me back then was my shoulder-length hair!

Now it has become so complicated. I look around me at all the interesting subcultures and I ask “Where do I fit in?”

Should I be a homeboy with an oversize shirt and baggy shorts, and the obligatory American baseball cap worn backwards? Alas I look daggy in baggy shorts - and the only rap I like is the political stuff from folks like Grandmaster Flash or the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy. This gangsta rap with its aggro posturing, and all those rappers strutting around boasting about the size of their manhoods is, I reckon, crap rap!

Should I become a Hippy? I dig their relaxed lifestyle. But alas I look dreadful in a caftan, and I have this strange sort of mutant hair that must do Medusa-moves when I’m not looking - and ends up messy. If I had the compulsory hippy long hair it would be impossible to manage, and also I’m not moved much by sitar music.

I could become a Punk. I like punk’s energy and its “up yours” attitude to society’s bullcrap! Unfortunately my jeans never rip in fashionable places - only in embarrassing ones, and I’m not fond of pain so pushing that safety-pin through my nostril is a lost cause. Don’t like tatts either. And the Mohawk hairstyle just doesn’t suit my corporate attire. (At least I can still listen to some of the music.)

Could I become a Metalhead? I don’t mind the black. I do have a strange attitude to the t-shirts though. I have this belief (irrational I’m sure!) that bands should pay to advertise, and I’m not going to pay them $50 to advertise their concert tour! No way José - you want advertising, you pay me! (Or at least give me a free t-shirt.)

The studs and body piercings aren’t my thing either. (I don’t mind them on other people, just not on me.)

Besides I doubt whether the other Metalheads would respect me - I’ve been known to listen to Leonard Cohen!

Should I be a Goth? I love the black but I’ve never been big on face makeup - white or otherwise. (Sure it’s probably a lot more comfortable to wear than it was the last time I was on stage.) Would avoid the t-shirts. I don’t mind black velvet jackets or frilly shirts - but they’d be a bugger to keep clean. But alas my Goth credentials have one great failing - I’m really like not into The Cure!

I could join the Gay culture! Those fellows wear cheerful outfits and know how to have a good time. There’s only one small very minor really problem. Um … I’m not Gay.

I know what - I’ll become a Nudist! I’ve got the outfit already - even if I’d like it a size or two smaller. It’s snug and its comfortable.

Of course I’m a bit apprehensive about showing off the outfit to my fellow Nudists. Though I’ve been told that after the first few minutes of stark mind-numbing terror, it feels like the most natural thing in the world (which I suppose it is).

The trouble is the nearest nudist place is somewhere outside Berwick at the end of a winding bush track.

I’d need a navigator. Wonder if I can get my favourite girl to come along?